When it was over, Eomer stalked up and down through the ranks, inspecting his men for injuries, kicking at the dead orcs in his path, appraising the situation. He directed the men to pile the bodies and start a fire. Haldir stood still bound, ignored, a distance from the activity.
Eomer strode to Camred, clasping him tightly. "Trewyn is gone," the larger man cried out, casting off his helmet. A half-strangled sob escaped him, then he added, "And Vander, too. We've lost two good men this day."
"I know, Camred, I know, but they did not pass in vain. They fell in battle and isn't that how we all want to die?" Eomer held Camred close. "We will miss them both and when Saruman is defeated and we can go home again, we will tell all of the bravery of Vander and Trewyn. Their feats will become legends in Rohan."
Camred nodded, reverting to warrior-tough, went off to collect his fallen comrades' weapons, armor and horses, leaving nothing of theirs behind in this valley of death. He and some others dug graves and collected stones for markers. Eomer watched for a moment, then mounted his horse, and with a few words to the patrol, rode off.
They camped nearby that night. For the first time, Eomer had sent another soldier to tend to Haldir and keep watch over him. Without a word, the soldier simply lifted Haldir's bound arms off the stakes, walked him over to the fire and pushed food into his hands. The other set of manacles was located, one end clamped over Haldir's boot and the other to a wounded soldier.
The next morning, the camp was dismantled; the orcs' funeral pyre just smoldering now. Haldir rode with Camred, Eomer not having returned to camp until just before departure. He acknowledged the elf not in any way. The riders moved slowly out of the valley and up into the hills. Away from the site of death, the pace picked up.
As they rode up to the crest of a hill, a shout came back from a scout ahead. Full speed down the hill, riders watching Eomer for a signal. As Camred started down the hill, Haldir caught sight of something behind the rocks. He turned for a better look but Camred was intent on reaching Eomer.
"Camred, did you see? Take the elf and hide. Don't let him make a sound. Watch for my sign to come out."
Camred nodded and urged his horse away from the band and tethered him behind a small copse of trees. Taking Haldir with him, he worked his way back towards the rocks and laid low, watching Eomer below. Eomer waited a moment, then raised his hand and waved his men forward to encircle the strangers.
There were three and they stood in the midst of the swirling circle of riders until Eomer called a halt.
"Who are you and what business have you here?"
Neither Camred nor Haldir could hear the reply, so they edged out for a better view.
"You travel with an elf and a dwarf?" Eomer's voice boomed.
Haldir gasped and Camred quickly slapped his hand over the elf's mouth and tightened his hold. "Do you know them?"
Haldir struggled to free himself.
"Well, don't think of calling out, lest I stab you as we lie here."
Camred's body pressed down on Haldir as he strove closer. He gave a muttered "no" when he saw that, after more conversation, Eomer meant to give the strangers the horses belonging to Vander and Trewyn. "No!" His body shook with rage and grief.
"You've brought us nothing but bad luck, elf." His voice was spiteful. "Why Trewyn liked you, I don't know, but he died because of you. And now Eomer has given his horse to an elf. What could he be thinking?"
Haldir bowed his head in despair at the thought of having caused Trewyn's death and at the sight of Aragorn riding away. He twisted as Camred vented his feelings with a few half-hearted blows and kicks. He dragged the elf roughly back to his horse and they rode to join the riders.
Camp was set up quickly that night. Some had gone hunting and brought back game, so spirits were lifted for having meat. Ale was passed around and many toasts given to their fallen comrades and to the victory over the orcs. Haldir sat next to Eomer, chained hand and foot.
When the men had quieted down, Eomer stood. "We have lost two good men to orcs," he began. "Vander was a fine warrior, a true companion. His prowess on the battlefield was second to none. The Riders will be poorer without him. His bravery will be told in Rohan."
Cries of "Vander!" rose around the fire.
Eomer waited again for quiet. "Trewyn, as you all know, was like a brother to me." He paused to collect himself. "We learned to ride together, to fight together, and when I was banished from my beloved home, Trewyn was the first to join with me and we were outcasts together.
"Like all brothers, we had our disagreements and our battles. Which he won most times, being bigger than I, much to my displeasure." Laughter at this; these men had been together a long time and witnessed much. "Trewyn was my guide, my tutor in many things, and my conscience. I ignored him to my own detriment always." More laughter. "I was a good leader because of his sage advice and cool head.
"I spoke harshly to Trewyn before we left for battle. I am suffering for it now, as I have no way to apologize and admit that, once again, he was right." Eomer looked down and swallowed hard several times before continuing. There was absolute silence around the fire now.
"I have done an evil thing. Trewyn was the first to know and to call me out on it, but I ignored him. That first time and several times after, I ignored him. I wanted him to be wrong, so I dismissed all evidence that he was right. He remained loyal to me but behaved honorably, even when I did not and mocked him for it.
"Having thought on it all this past night, I can only see that my actions caused Trewyn's death as surely as the orc's axe that brought him down."
A murmur flowed around the fire and several rose to their feet in protest, but Eomer waved them off.
"Today I learned yet again that Trewyn's instincts could always be trusted. The strangers we encountered were Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and traveling with him: Gimli the Dwarf and Legolas of Mirkwood, an elf. Different races, same desire: to rid Middle Earth of evil. The three are now on their way to Rohan to fight beside our King to defend our lands.
"Trewyn told me that this could happen, but I, in my stubbornness, chose to listen to Grima, though I knew him to be untrustworthy. He said the elves hated men and I believed him. He said Gondorians wished Rohan's destruction and I believed that, too. He said outsiders would bring down our home, so I fought to keep them all out. I knew little of the lands beyond my bounds. How blind I have been.
"Tonight I release all of you from your oaths to me. I no longer deserve to be your captain. Ride home to Rohan to serve my uncle, the King. My cousin Theodred has no doubt recovered from his wounds by now, as Eowyn gave his care. Fight with him and Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli."
Calls of "No, not without you" came from several throats.
"I will join you there, but I first do something for Trewyn. Though my wisdom comes far too late and at much too dear a price, I have erred grievously and will make amends." A harsh, sobbing breath, another, then Eomer went on. "Would that it made a difference, I would gladly give up my sword and horse forever for just one moment with Trewyn again, to prove myself worthy of his love and respect."
His voice was growing hoarse. Someone handed him a wineskin. "I talk too much," he laughed harshly, then turned serious. He bent to the elf at his side and reached out a hand to lift him up, steadying him gently.
"Haldir, I owe you a great debt. I have taken you from your kin, treated you badly, used you for my own ends. If I had listened to Trewyn that first day, we never would have run you down, never would have bound you like a slave and abused you. Instead, I have starved and beaten you, and placed you in danger. It was wrong, all of it. I have no excuse, except my own witlessness.
"I can't make up for what has been done in the past, all of it at my hands, but I pledge on Trewyn's grave that I will follow his advice at last and take you home. I offer my apologies to you, Haldir, and hope you find it in your heart to forgive me."
Haldir had been holding his breath through Eomer's speech. His emotions regarding Trewyn, so new to him, were raw and unmanageable. I am grieving, grieving for a man. Eomer's apology stunned him and his offer of amends shook the elf to his core. Nothing in my long years has prepared me for this. I don't know how to respond to such feelings, not grief, not forgiveness.
Eomer watched the elf's face for any sign of absolution. Receiving none, he nodded, as though he expected that. He first undid the wrist chains, then knelt at Haldir's feet and unlocked the manacles on his ankles. Haldir reached out to Eomer, only for balance, he thought. Eomer hesitated a moment, head bowed and shoulders shaking with strong emotion, then placed his hand atop the elf's.
"I am sorry, Haldir. A madness came over me, a fury at my king and I searched for something upon which to vent my anger. I shamed myself and my people."
He stood. "You have no reason to trust me and every right to leave now, but I would like to give you something first."
Haldir, wary and watchful, followed him away from the fire and the other men. Upon reaching his blankets and saddle, Eomer stooped to reach into his pack.
"Here are Trewyn's bracers. I took yours that first day." Eomer's voice trailed off. He handed them to Haldir, who kept his elven reticence. "We'll start for your home in the morning, if you will allow me to take you there."
Haldir merely nodded; in his confused state, silence was best.
"Take Trewyn's blankets, too. And use his tunics for pillows. Despite my past actions, you are safe here with me, although if you'd rather sleep elsewhere...."
The elf took Trewyn's things, dropped to his knees and made up his bed. He pulled off his tunic and boots. Why am I staying near? I should run whilst he remains in this mood. By morning, he may reconsider his offer. Do men have honor? Yet there was something here that required him to stay: a reckoning, a debt, a concordat demanding fulfillment.
Eomer's eyes widened but he said nothing, merely went about making up his own bed. Man and elf lay in the darkness, staring at the stars, each thinking his own thoughts about the days that brought them here, what was gained, what was lost.
Trewyn's scent surrounded Haldir, and with it came the feeling of safety and affection. He responded to my need at no gain to himself, only at great cost. From the beginning to the end, Trewyn cared for me. I have nothing in my experience to compare. Have I cared for anyone in the same way? We so rarely have need for comfort that I don't know how to offer. As Eomer is willing to change for Trewyn, should not I, as well? Perhaps men and elves could find common ground if each tried for the other.
Thoughts foreign to his kind clashed and entangled and finally sorted themselves out in Haldir's mind. He burrowed further in Trewyn's blankets. Eomer, he could see by the moon, had turned away. Hiding tears. If Trewyn were lying here, he would not see sadness and do nothing. If I gain little else from this wretched time, I know now that it is not always the best way to watch and do nothing.
Haldir tentatively reached out for Eomer, withdrew from fear, then, determined, placed his hand on Eomer's shoulder. The warrior froze at the touch. Haldir hardly knew what to do next. He brushed his fingers through shaggy hair. So like Trewyn's. With his other hand, Haldir rubbed along the powerful shoulders. Eomer shuddered. With gentle pressure, Haldir urged him to roll over. There must be good in him for Trewyn to love him so.
Face to face now. Eomer could not look at the elf. He kept his eyes downcast, felt the elf's hands ghost over his face, tracing eyebrows, brushing hair back, resting against his cheek.
"With my eyes closed, I can almost believe that Trewyn is here still. His blanket, his scent, his closeness to me..." Eomer paused. "I think I shall never grow accustomed to his absence. We were warriors; I thought we would die in battle together or would grow old together, never that one of us would go without the other." Eomer laughed at his own foolishness.
Haldir felt Eomer's powerful heartbeat through his undertunic. Eomer seemed surprised at Haldir's touch, opening his eyes and searching the elf's face. "Trewyn thought you beautiful and good and honorable, though I've barely looked at you without contempt blinding my eyes. Let me look at you now and see what he saw."
Mirroring the elf's actions, Eomer placed one large hand over Haldir's heart and the other, warm and gentle, touched Haldir's bruised eye. "Trewyn was right about that, too. You did save my life."
Then, each with a hand on the other's face, Eomer leaned in for a gentle kiss. Haldir tensed briefly, then touched his lips to Eomer's. Heart pounding and thoughts jumbled in his mind, it was Haldir's turn to close his eyes. He felt Eomer's warm body move closer, yet it did not inspire panic in him. He was right. With my eyes closed, I can almost think that Trewyn is here still, as well. Perhaps in spirit....
"Haldir, may I?" Eomer whispered his request into Haldir's hair, still not touching him anywhere except where Haldir himself laid hands on Eomer. Haldir drew back a little, took a deep breath for courage, then nodded.
"Haldir, I'm sorry that I hit you here." Eomer kissed his cheek. "And said wicked things to you." Kissing his ear, which made Haldir shudder with unexpected desire. "Please forgive me for choking you." Soft nuzzling of his neck. "I was wrong, so wrong.
"And wrong to chain you," lifting each wrist in turn and pressing his lips over the rapid pulse. "I held you too tightly here," grazing over Haldir's chest, where once his arm had forced Haldir against him. "And struck you here." Warm breath through the light linen undertunic on his belly.
Eomer pushed the blankets aside and slid down Haldir's body to his feet. "This wound is because of me." He gently kissed Haldir's slashed sole. "And chains rubbed your ankles raw." More kisses. An atonement, not seduction. "My fault, all of it my fault, because of my willful stupidity."
Back up, once again looking in Haldir's eyes, warm hand on his shoulder. "I violated your body, Haldir, and I don't know if that will ever heal. For the rest of my days, that will haunt me most. I regret it all. That doesn't mean much to you, I know, but I need to say it, as I need to ask forgiveness for every bruise I caused. Thank you for allowing it."
Though it did not come naturally to Haldir, he put his arms around Eomer and pulled him close, remembering how good it felt when Trewyn held him. Eomer stiffened in surprise but recovered quickly and returned the embrace. His regret and soft touch helps to remove the taint of bondage. He owes me one more thing.
Haldir tentatively pressed against Eomer. Eomer inhaled sharply and moved back. Haldir followed.
"Haldir? Surely not that."
"Yes, that," Haldir spoke for the first time. "Give me what I did not have with Trewyn and what you will never have with him again. Erase the memory of the last time between us so that when we part, we will remember our gift from Trewyn."
It was Eomer's turn to shudder. He swallowed hard.
Under the moonlight, elf and man removed tunics and leggings and explored what made them similar, despite their differences. Soft cries, moans, the shadow of a slender body arching up, a large body carefully moving atop. Arms with abraded wrists rose up to clasp the shaggy head; slim legs locked around a powerful torso and bodies moved together as one. The black horse tattoo seem to run as shoulders flexed to rock the sturdy body in and out of a warm, tight embrace. First one cried out and bucked up hard again and again, then the other, hips pushing hard and rhythmically, groaned in pleasure and completion.
They lay at peace then, still joined, breathing together. Presently, one reached out to tug the blanket over them both to keep out the chill night air.
Epilogue
I took Haldir back the next morning. It was a two-day ride and several men accompanied us. The elf and I never spoke at length again, and that last night, only entwined our hands. I left him at the edge of his wood and he looked back just once before disappearing amongst the trees.
We did not hurry, thinking nothing demanded our presence. Upon our return on the night of the fourth day, to my surprise, most of my men were still at camp. Gandalf the Grey, now all in white, was there, awaiting my return. He told of his encounter with my uncle, the King, and spoke urgently of the need to ride hard and fast to Helms Deep. A deep feeling surged through the men: to fight for our king and return home! Preparations began immediately so that we might start before dawn.
Gandalf pulled me away from the others for private words about Trewyn. He questioned me closely, though I suspected he knew already much of what he was asking. Nothing can be hidden from his blue eyes and I confessed readily to my anger at my uncle, my fury at banishment, my thirst for vengeance.
How shamed I was telling him of the pursuit and capture of Haldir and his treatment at my hands. My feelings of righteousness were so strong then, yet I could hardly summon a shadow of them now to convey why I did it. Pain showed in Gandalf's face and my sense of disgrace deepened.
"Eomer, there are many who do shameful deeds, yet few who honestly regret them and go on to be better men. Your lifelong penance, I think, will be your memories of Trewyn. Did you make amends with Haldir?"
"Not to my satisfaction," I admitted. "We hadn't time enough."
"There is always hope, Eomer. Tomorrow at Helms Deep, there will be alliance between men and elves such as has never been before." Gandalf smiled at me then and winked. "Your Haldir will be there with a company of Lorien elves."
He lay a kindly hand upon my shoulder. "After the battle, find him. Know that he longs to see you as well. Take your time then. Make good use of it, Eomer, do not waste a moment, for a life filled with sorrow and regret is a long, lonely one indeed."
The battle was glorious. How I wish Trewyn was there to see it. We fought as mad men, outnumbered by thousands, it seemed, yet the orcs fell before our swords and the arrows of elves. Victory was ours, allied as we were against a common enemy.
My men and I are now outside the gatehouse, awaiting the raising of the portcullis.
Although it is too dark to truly see, I scan the wall walks and parapets anyway, looking for Haldir. Is it possible that he might be standing there, looking down, searching for me? Such longing to see him again -- I could scale the wall with my bare hands!
For his overture that night after Trewyn's death, Haldir will have my atonement and my fealty forever; more, too, should he desire it, for he saved me from the long and lonely life Gandalf warned against. For as many days as we have together, I will see that he never regrets making it. I owe him this and so much more.
My heart, so long twisted in hate, so recently broken in sorrow, waits now in hope.
-fin-
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