Faramir awoke before the others and stirred the fire, setting water to boil. His heart constricted at the way Boromir was wrapped around Haldir, protecting him even in sleep, and the look of peace on Haldir's face. The elf's eyes fluttered open and he started visibly. Faramir smiled tentatively in an apology but wariness and distrust flashed across Haldir's face and he turned in Boromir's embrace to hide his face in Boromir's tunic.
Not yet, Boromir's brother, not yet. I cannot be sure the way you are now is the way you will stay.
The morning was quiet. Haldir tended to Boromir's wound, which had worsened for his short fight yesterday. Boromir's gentle touch catalogued Haldir's bruises and injuries, spread the herbal mixture on them and re-bandaged his foot.
All three moved slowly and carefully around each other. Haldir still stayed close to Boromir, obviously uncomfortable if more than an arm's length from him, and avoided Faramir altogether.
How strange that for so long I couldn't bear the presence of men and now, when I am free of them, the only one I can trust is one of them. Boromir is as necessary to me now as the air I breathe and I cannot leave his side, even if that means I must face the shame that Faramir brought upon me.
Faramir hoped Haldir would lose his distrust and fear as the day went on, but Haldir showed no signs of becoming less wary around him. If he would only allow me close, I would make him believe that I would never hurt him again, that we could try again and I would make him feel pleasure, not pain, he thought. But instead, it felt like the more Faramir wanted it, the more he attempted an overture, the more remote Haldir became.
By mutual, unspoken agreement, they stayed in their camp for the day, needing time to heal and time to settle. It was Boromir who finally broke the silence at the last meal as they sat around the fire.
"We need a plan for tomorrow," he began. "Shall we three go on to Gondor and do our best there together, or, Haldir, shall we escort you home to Lorien first? It is clear that we cannot go anywhere without saying what is in our hearts tonight."
The words I fear most. Lorien is closed to me. I knew that when Dregan first took me, yet I kept my woods in my heart as the only comfort I could find. Now I must confess that I have no home.
Haldir was on his knees behind Boromir, leaning against his back, hands resting on his shoulders. A barrier between us, Faramir thought sadly, I've made you think you always need protection from me.
"I cannot go home to Lorien," Haldir said. "As much as I have wanted it for so long, dreamed of it for many nights, I really always knew that once the men took me, it could not be."
He shifted closer to Boromir's solid presence.
"I have been marked by men," Haldir's voice sank to a whisper, his pain evident. "The whip marks, cuts and bruises will fade, but the brand is permanent, as is my shame to be captured and enslaved. That I allowed my hair to be cut, that I did not fade at the act, symbolizes my weakness, my submission to the Secondborn. That is not something that can be overlooked in Lorien. I will be ugly in their eyes. I will not be welcomed back."
It was the longest speech Faramir had even heard Haldir make and despite the despairing words, he was enchanted by the musical cadence. Another thing I missed in my selfishness to possess an elf, he thought bitterly.
Boromir brought the elf around to hold him close, rocking him gently. "Haldir, your brothers will welcome you back with open arms. There is nothing as strong as brotherly love, what they will forgive, what they will forget."
You may forgive your brother, Boromir, though I cannot. Not yet. But my brothers and my guardians will never forget what has befallen me, and despite your soothing words, what I have allowed to happen to me will not be forgiven.
Faramir's head dropped in disgrace, knowing that Boromir spoke the words as much for his benefit as Haldir's. His love for Boromir truly knew no bounds and Faramir was deeply shamed by his evil actions and his dark desires. He wished with his whole heart to be as strong as his brother, vowed to spend his life in an effort to be so. And he vowed to make amends with Haldir, if the elf would allow it, although Faramir did not know the words to say to make that so. No effort would be too great to convince Haldir that Faramir would treat him with care and dignity, not as a possession. If he had the time....
And now we come to the fork in the road, although I really have nowhere else to go.
"I would stay with you, Boromir, if you would have me." Haldir looked nervously at Boromir, then looked away, bracing himself for rejection. "Let me come to Gondor with you, where people don't know what elves look like, that I may have the time for marks to fade, for my hair to grow, before I attempt a return to Lorien."
"Of course, Haldir," Boromir smiled. "We would be honored to have you as our guest."
Faramir closed his eyes in gratitude for the opportunity, the time, to atone for his actions, if Haldir was in Gondor with them, but he tensed as Haldir spoke again.
"No, not as your guest." He was agitated now, unhappy. Angry that he could not go home, the anguish of not belonging anywhere surging up in him.
"As my soldier-aide, then," Boromir offered. "Stay close by me and together we will work to keep peace and rid the woods of bandits. With your knowledge of their tricks and your swift arrows, you will be a most valuable member of my company."
Haldir's face lit up in a genuine smile then and just then, in the fading light, he was the most beautiful creature Faramir had ever seen. His smile quickly faded and he searched Boromir's face again as though he still risked rejection.
Boromir, I know I can trust you, but I cannot forget that you have a loyalty to Faramir.
"Perhaps your brother," Haldir gestured towards Faramir but couldn't yet look at him, "should be consulted."
This was his opening, then. Faramir glanced at Boromir for guidance and received a smile and a nod. "I would be honored to serve with you, Haldir. And..." he hesitated, unsure how to convey his feelings. "I am sorry, Haldir, for what I did." His voice trailed off, knowing it was a completely inadequate apology but unsure what more to say.
Haldir, still not meeting his eyes, gave a brief nod. It wasn't much but it was a start and Faramir was slightly heartened.
I hope that your words are true, Faramir, but I find I cannot feel any ease in your presence.
Matters settled and night upon them, the three set up their bedrolls. Despite Haldir's shaky acceptance of him, Faramir knew to remain on the far side of the fire. He was close enough, however, to know when Haldir turned to Boromir for comfort, when Boromir opened his tunic and pulled Haldir against his warmth.
Laying quiet and still on his blanket, Faramir was reminded of the night he listened to Dregan beating, then brutally taking Haldir. How different this was tonight, and how wrong he had been to think that was the only way to touch an elf.
Boromir pressed quiet kisses along Haldir's forehead, down his jaw to his throat, rocking him to sleep. But Haldir made small protesting noises, so Boromir kissed his mouth gently and thoroughly, cradling his face gently between large hands.
I have to know, Boromir, I must ask it.
Faramir could barely hear his brother's soft voice. "Not ugly to me, Haldir. No marks, no brands, not even short hair could make you so to my eyes. And besides, now your hair looks like mine and surely I'm not so ugly to you!"
That elicited a faint chuckle from Haldir, and Faramir marveled again at his brother's ability to give to others what they needed most at the time. He had seen it all his life, been a frequent recipient of it, but never had he loved his brother more for it than at this moment. Dregan's brutal fists and iron rule engendered nowhere near the loyalty that Boromir could elicit with gentle hands and kind words; Boromir's soldiers would gladly lay down their lives for him; Dregan's men ran at the first sign of trouble.
Faramir knew that Boromir must sense Haldir's need to purge himself of any remnants of his recent enslavement, Faramir himself could feel it even at this distance. But Boromir would also recognize his fear and uncertainty and treat him accordingly. Why didn't I see it? Faramir bemoaned his actions. Why didn't I treat Haldir then as Boromir does now? I had him to myself, there was no need for me to be so brutal.
In the moonlight, Faramir watched as Haldir's hands clenched and opened and his body trembled. Boromir continued to rock him slowly, murmuring soft words that Faramir could not hear but knew conveyed love and security, with careful caresses brought Haldir peace and comfort. Slowly he began to move against Boromir's warm, solid body.
I want. I am not certain how I feel now, how I will feel later, but for now, I want. And I want you to want me, too.
"Haldir, not this," Boromir whispered. "Not because you think you must or that you owe me in some way. Only because you want it. I would not hurt you in this."
"So different, Boromir, not the same at all." Haldir replied and Boromir nodded, knowing that the elf was thinking of Dregan, fearing he was thinking of Faramir as well. "I want his touch, his memory, his control gone from me; I do not want him to be the last I remember."
Faramir flinched, quite sure that he was in fact the last to have Haldir and was the one Haldir was remembering.
Boromir eased his big body over Haldir's like a blanket, but let Haldir take the lead. The elf's arms embraced, his slender legs entwined, and he thrust up slowly, tentatively. He traced over Boromir's heavy muscled chest, felt big hands moving over his body, erasing the touch of Dregan, his fists, his whip, his brand.
"Did he touch you here, Haldir? Then I will touch you here. And here? Were his hands here? Now my hands are here. Did he put his mouth here? My mouth is here now. Did you feel pain here? Now you will feel pleasure."
Up his back to his shoulders, down over his ribs, flanks, thighs and then gently cupping, lifting his hips up off the blanket.
I want and I need.
"For all the times it was taken from me, let me this time give it freely, but only to you," Haldir spoke softly in Boromir's ear. "Face to face so that I know it's you. Gently so I feel pleasure and not pain. Now so I can replace that with this."
Boromir stifled a moan and pulled Haldir even closer. "We are two damaged bodies tonight. Let us take each other's place, so that your poor back is not against rough ground and I won't be favoring my ribs."
As if in a dream, Faramir watched Boromir roll onto his back and sweep up the elf to lay atop him. Clothes were carefully stripped away and Boromir's big hands stroked down Haldir's back, positioned him so that they both gasped. He closed his eyes and tried to give them privacy.
It didn't matter to the two entwined. They had entered their own world, one they remembered from their younger days, when Boromir was free of responsibilities and could ride to the edge of Lorien to meet the handsome Galadrhim guard.
The elf drew up his knees to straddle the man's hips, lifted up for Boromir's hands, then slowly lowered himself to lie on Boromir's chest. Boromir, in turn, canted his hips and bent his knees, holding Haldir to himself. A slight adjustment, then a sweet gasp from Haldir and a soft groan from Boromir.
Fully sheathed in Haldir's body, Boromir rocked his hips in a gentle slow and steady rhythm in time with his breathing, enclosing the elf in a warm embrace. This was not the hard and fast journey to climax they had enjoyed in the past, but an affirmation of all that they had shared and survived. Several times, Haldir had stopped moving and Boromir stilled as well, waiting for Haldir to confirm to himself where he was and with whom.
I want and I need, but I hate.
Then he could feel Haldir's rising agitation, sensed the anger threatening his fragile peace of mind. He quickened his thrusting, urging Haldir on with a whispered litany of desire, and he was ready when Haldir took a ragged breath and pushed himself up from Boromir's body.
As rage swirled through him, Haldir's movements grew rough and hard, slamming down hard over and over. He was a wild, desperate animal throwing himself against the bars of his cage. Boromir gritted his teeth and protected his wound as best he could, steadying Haldir with one hand on his hip.
"I hate them, I hate him," Haldir chanted, nearly oblivious to his surroundings. Turning his glazed eyes to Boromir, he demanded, "Am I ugly? Do you hate me? Am I unclean?"
"No, Haldir, no, never," he said over and over, though he knew Haldir was not listening.
Just as it flared up, the anger suddenly left Haldir's body. His body sagged with fatigue and sorrow. "Help me, Boromir," his voice sounding as it did when constricted by the noose.
Faramir, trying to block Haldir's plaintive voice, felt tears roll down his cheeks. I could be asking Boromir those very same questions, he thought, do you hate me? Am I unclean?
I want and I need.
Boromir pulled Haldir down to his chest again. Hard and needy and aching for release, Haldir was too undone to know what to do next. With one hand, Boromir guided the elf's hips up and down in a steady rhythm and with the other, he reached between their bodies and grasped his length. "It's all right, Haldir, I'm here with you and you're safe. Come for me now."
I want.
With a great ragged breath, Haldir cried out in his release and collapsed on Boromir's chest. Boromir thrust as gently as he could, only till he could feel his release spiral up, then he stilled as much as possible as the heat coursed through him, unwilling to disturb Haldir's peace. The strain was telling on him; the wound in his side throbbed and ached, his legs were cramped and his mind screamed for sleep, but he could wait, he would wait.
Haldir nestled down so his ear was directly over Boromir's heart.
I am Haldir of Lorien.
Soon the shudders started and Boromir could feel the hot wetness of Haldir's tears. From across the fire, he thought he could hear Faramir's muffled sobs, too.
Though his reserves were taxed to the breaking point, he felt an obligation, a responsibility to comfort the two. He wanted to be their fortress, to surround them with solid stone walls. But at that moment, Boromir, flesh and bone and weary beyond belief, was completely drained of any strength to do so.
"All will be well in the morning," he said loud enough for both to hear, hoping to reassure them and trying to convince himself at the same time. "We will be strong again in the morning.
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